"Yeah, like that's news," said PM tony Blair. "We've done it, just as the Tories did it. The difference is that some day we will provide these jobs - and I'd like the word 'will' underlined in your reports!"

The Government was forced to retract statements made after false statistics were issued shortly before the May elections to the UK local authorities, the Welsh Assembly and the Scottish Parliament.

The findings indicated that unemployment had dropped by 3 million since Labour took power in 1997 and that crime under Tony Blair had fallen to record lows. Crime was always low, but had to be hyped up in Tory, SNP and Plaid Cymru areas so as to trick people into voting for Margaret Thatcher's illegitimate child.

Hospital swamped by Tsar's virus
A hospital in the Highlands has fallen victim to an 90 year old flu virus first contracted by Nicholas II of Russia. Health chiefs secured a court order to prevent the name of the hospital concerned being published, but highlanders living near Raigmore hospital spoke out.

"It's obvious really," said ski-instructor Michael Russell. "The wards being patrolled by the armed guards wearing masks is a bit of a giveaway!"

A few short years before Nicholas was killed by the peasants he had oppressed, he had caught a cold from an old woman selling pottery pigs.

The infection worsened to the extent that he was given minutes to live. Luckily he survived long enough to die a mysterious death at the hands of revolutionary workers led by Celtic midfielder Neil Lennon.

The shocking discovery was made shortly after the media was forced to broadcast the fact that no weapons of a remotely destructive nature were likely to be found in Iraq - unless those really cool catapults that schools always banned count!

Presidential spokesperson Stu Wiff explained: "We have investigated thoroughly and discovered to our horror that Saddam Hussein had WMDs pointed at strategic US targets from within our borders.
"It is down to the grace of God himself that we were lucky enough to have invaded Iraq when we did. Had we not kicked ass in Baghdad, we could have been facing mass destruction in this great country of ours."

US Presidential aide Stu Wiff

Just how the weapons came to be in Nevada is the subject of hot speculation. Most commentators have concluded that they are simply missiles which the Iraqi dictator bought in the late 1980s, but which were never dispatched.

Stu Wiff rubbished such claims: "That would imply that the United States armed and supported Saddam Hussein. This is simply not true. We have always opposed military dictators and terrorists.
"We will find out how Saddam got these missiles out of the United States and back in again without our noticing. Personally, I suspect Syria/Iran/North Korea/Kenya*."
(* Delete as appropriate)

News in Brief

N-Sub crew forced to pedal back to base
Navy bosses at Faslane nuclear submarine base have been forced to admit that a crippled submarine was sailed back to base like a 'pedalo' after hitting an iceberg.

Parliament gets bomb-proof concrete coating

The Houses of Parliament will be protected from terrorist attack by a 14 inch thick layer of concrete, Downing Street announced today. The news comes amid security fears roused after a spate of terror threats.

"Without doubt we are more at risk because President Bush and Prime Minister Blair have made the world a safer place," said White House spokesperson Jack Straw. "Terrorists want to make the world as dangerous as it was before we started bombing innocent civilians in countries most of us have never heard of. I mean, where's 'Northern' Ireland? Who makes these names up?"

The concrete layer will be applied to the Commons first, and then the House of Lords. It is expected that peers of the realm will become aware of the new facade around six years after it is applied.

Government sources were quick to answer complaints from architecture anoraks that the ancient gothic building will be destroyed by the measures:

"We will be using a special kind of concrete that can sense a peaceful, just and democratic world. When the world is safe again, the concrete will just fall away, and turn in to pretty flowers for old ladies to pick and sell as a means of funding their retirements in the event of pension deficits."

TV man 'May be innocent' says TV man
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